Uncle Richie

We all know that growing up, there were a billion toys our parents didn't want us to play with.

The car window was one of these.

Gosh it was hard to say no to that voice.

Whenever I unrolled the window, my mother gave me these wise words:

So Uncle Richie was a great uncle I had...or...maybe it was a great great uncle...or...cousin...or something...who...liked to roll down the windows.

One day he was playing out the window, and--

 HONK HONK VROOM

Yeah.



So you can bet I spent my growing-up years in the car like this:

(My arms survived childhood.)


Wouldn't you know it, I was at a work meeting and told everybody this story, and do you know what they said??

Uncle Richie:  Common Name?  Or VAST PARENTAL CONSPIRACY?  

You decide.

I Can't Do the Sum (Or; A compelling case of why Mary should marry Barnaby)

I was feeling kind of melancholy this past week and spent a lot of time watching Disney's 1961 "Babes in Toyland" to kind of cheer me up.

Here's one my favorite songs, "I Can't Do The Sum":

I love this song.  I sing it whenever I pay bills.  My gosh I wish I had her dress.

Anyways, listening to it for the umpteenth time got me thinking.  You know, Mary really is terrible with money.  I mean, really bad.  I feel I can say this with confidence because I'm a monster tightwad.*
*I haven't bought a pair of socks in 3 years! #brag

Oh, you don't believe me?  Here's some solid proof Mary really can't do the sum:  (You don't actually have to've seen the movie to understand this blog post.  It's still pertinent.)

Proof #1:  Barnaby knows more about Mary's finances than Mary does.

He knows about an inheritance Mary has coming to her, that Mary has no idea about.  I mean, this guy.  He's sharp.  What's Mary been doing with her finances this whole time?

I'll tell you what she's been doing.  She's been ignoring them.


#2 proof:  "The stove and rugs and furniture will soon be repossessed."

                               ....What??  You financed your rugs??  Good gravy, woman!


#3 proof:  Her ideas for solving her financial troubles are totally stupid.

Walking on your hands to save shoe repair money...yeah that'll work.

So I was thinking about it a lot, and I was thinking, you know what Mary should do?  Here's what Mary should do:

- Sell the house.  She can't make the mortgage so it's gotta go.  Living in a tent actually wasn't a bad idea.

- Secondly, who are those moochy kids that she's supporting?  Make them work in a glue factory.  All that singing and dancing, it's got to stop.

3) Take Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course

Here's what Mary should do (if she were me):

1)  Marry Barnaby.  (Because, why not?)

Mary: do his laundry, I hear it'll take care of that

2)  Barnaby will teach Mary how to properly manage her money

3)  Mary will teach Barnaby to not be such a miser, and fix up that abysmal house of his.

 See?  I mean, this just seems like common sense to me.  They're a good match.  And don't give me this marrying for love stuff.  Marrying for love is possibly the stupidest thing you can do.  No way, dude.  Marry for MONEY.  They would have such a happy marriage.


But, no.  Here's what will actually happen:

Mary marries Tom.

They fritter her inheritance money away on poofy dresses and bongo drums.

And then they can't pay the rent.

So Barnaby kicks them out into the streets.

Then the Mother Goose villagers get really mad and hunt Barnaby down via pitchfork mob.

Why??  Because they don't think.  Because they don't think, hey, Mary was crappy with her money, let's hope this homeless stuff is a good wake-up call.  No, they blame it all on Barnaby, who's only crime was that he was good with his money.  AAARGH!!  I hate it when villains who aren't actually villains are villainized!!  Barnaby was actually the good guy in this movie!!

No one thinks about this stuff.  But I do.  I think about this stuff all the time.  Call it a gift.

And yes, I still think they should've gotten married.

Peach Tree Parable

My buddy Chad told me a story the other day, which I thought was pretty good & wanted to share.  

Chad's neighbor is an older fella, and he has a giant peach tree on the side of his yard.  One of the branches hangs over the fence into Chad's yard.

Mostly the peaches from the overhanging branch fell into Chad's yard or his kids would sometimes eat them.

The old neighbor didn't really like this and so one day when Chad was getting home from work, the old guy was like, "Where are my peaches?"

And Chad was like:

And the old neighbor was like, "You've been here nearly three years and you've never brought me a basket of peaches from my tree.  So what have you been doing with the peaches that hang over your yard?"

An Chad was like, "Oh.  I didn't realize we were supposed to be picking them.  They just fall onto the lawn or my kids eat them

or whatever."


And the old guy was like,

"That's called STEALING!"

And Chad was like,

"Ok."


So he promised to let his kids know and they wouldn't be taking the peaches anymore.


Unfortunately one day when Chad was away, the kids decided to eat the peaches. The old neighbor saw them and kind of had a fit.

 In fact he was so mad, he had the branch hanging over Chad's yard cut down.

So it looked like this:

 And when the peaches grew, the tree kind of overbalanced, since the other branch wasn't there

And it broke

 And it died

 And to this day, the old neighbor still blames Chad for killing his tree.

Bad luck old boy.


I feel I ought to apologize for letting this blog get dust on it.  I've sort of overbooked myself by working two jobs and rewriting a book(s?) and I miss the old thing.  But never fear, I'll soon be back to my regularly scheduled shenanigans!

Grapefruit Juice

Last week my sister invited me over to her apt for dinner and since I love food I said yes and came over and sat on her sofa and watched her youtube.

Anyway while I was sitting there secretly eating her chocolate orange and she was in the kitchen cutting up vegetables I heard her say: 

 
Sure enough they did look kind of fuzzy.

I told her to just cut off the fuzzy bits.  (That's what I do.)


And it tasted great!

...until 2 am that morning...

 dun dun duuuuun!

I took a 2 am bubble bath where I could sit in a confined space and think about nothing except how bad my tummy hurts.  Sometimes that helps.

I also poured myself some grapefruit juice to drink because a cupful of acid is great thing to drink when you feel nauseated.

For some reason I didn't drink it, and went back to bed and forgot about it.

And so it stayed.

Thru'  rain and shine

It didn't move

That cup of mine.



...3 days later...

FOOOD!!!!!

And here is what I drank, from my pov:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

New Years Resolution:  Don't leave food out for days on end, and then try to eat it.  This should be easy for me, since I'm never going to eat anything ever again.